4 Responses to a shirtless man with apples...

{Trick?...}

So, we live and learn. From living through Halloween 2015, I learned the following: (A) That you can't leave lit jack-O-lanterns outside, plus leave your porch light on, without sending children the message that you have candy for them; (B) That our indoor lamp and our outdoor porch light are controlled by the same switch; and (C) That most kids nowadays are not pumped about free fruit.

More detail: my roommate and I were getting into our zen, preparing for an evening of Halloween adventures downtown. He was in his room killing zombies on the computer; I was on the couch in only a pair of comfy jeans, watching gore-makeup tutorials on Youtube with my laptop. In years past, our street had been fairly thin on trick-or-treaters—so neither of us expected FOUR groups to show up. But show they did. And I—the Halloween ambassador for our home—leaped up each time to offer the best I had of Hallow's Eve cheer and treats:

“Oh wow! You guys look great/frightening/totally convincing! Sorry, I have no candy—also no shirt on—but I do have a bag of jazz apples! Apples, anyone?”

The four responses played out as follows:

Knock 1: 8 KIDS, 3 PARENTS, and a STROLLER

Me – “Oh wow! You guys look great! Sorry, we have no candy—um, let me see what we have though … Ooh! We have apples. Do you want apples.”

7-year old boy/Transformer – “{wrinkles face}NOo.”

Me – “{to parents} Sorry guys. Happy Halloween!”

exeunt. … (2 minutes pass.)

Knock 2: ATTRACTIVE MOM and 2 KIDS

Me – “Oh, a lion, and a ghost! Totally convincing! I actually DON'T have any candy—but I do have apples! Apple?”

4-year old boy/Lion – {silently shakes his head with heart-meltingly underplayed lip-droop}

Attractive mom – “That's okay. {looks at my torso; turns to her boy and girl} Ask him if he's got any vodka, kids. I bet he'll have that {smiles at me}.”

Me – “Alright {laughs}. Y'all look great! Happy Halloween.”

exeunt. … (5 minutes pass)

Knock 3: 5 KIDS and LARGE MOTHER

Me – “Oh wow, you guys look really scary! I'm sorry, I don't have candy—but I do have apples! If you're interested.”

Boy/Skeleton & Girl/Princess-thing in front – “No, thank you.”

Me – “Really? No one likes apples, I guess. Happy Halloween!”

Large mom – “{looks up as last kid steps down} Put a shirt on.”

exeunt. … (15 minutes pass)

Knock 4: ONE LARGER-THAN-ME BOY(85% sure) and YOUNG DAD

Me – “Hey! Happy Halloween. You look great. I'm sorry, I don't actually have any candy.”

12-to-16 year old boy(?)/Sunday grandma holding up a large pillow-case – “{Sincerely and unabashedly} Well, what do you have?”

Me – “I've got a bag of apples, but nobody's wanted them—”

Boy – “I'll take an apple.”

Me – “Yeah?! Alright!{grab apple out of fridge, wash it off, palm-dry it} Here you go, dude! Good on you.”

Dad – “Thank you {waves from stair-bottom}.”

Boy – “Thank you!”

Me – “Happy Halloween, you guys.”

exeunt.

I'm pretty sure that large child was male—I hope so. I really committed to those masculine pronouns as I tried to be jovial and non-chalant handing that giant child an apple: honestly, that was my favorite moment of the night—well, that, and when our friend dressed as Gumbi found another person dressed as Gumbi's horse Pokey, and they hugged and danced on the downtown sidewalk for minutes. But that boy marked the beginning of the Halloween spirit. Rock on, Grannie.