Phrases that don't improve relationships ...

{I was surprised at how well I fit into the panel...}

So I went online today and saw a video being shared enthusiastically by female friends of mine. Interested in further expanding my sense of life from a woman's-eye view, I watched.

 {:Video-Link:}

The video, posted by 'Huffpost Women' (10 Dec. 2015), is titled: “48 Things Women Hear in a Lifetime* (that men just don't).” Its recites familiar phrases, by young girls and grown women and elderly ladies, pointing clearly to some cultural attitudes that, if they were directed at me (Josh, a man), I would find irritating, frustrating, condescending, and/or dispiriting.

As I watched on, I realized that, in fact, some of these phrases HAD been said to me many times, by my once-partner in a long-term relationship—which I found humorous; an inversion of stereotypical roles. But I also found this sharpening my sympathies for those women on screen, because my partner's persistent repeating of those judging, dismissive, role-imposing phrases was a large part of why my relationship ended … not because they were conventionally sexist, in my case—just because they didn't show understanding or respect for me, and were said way too often.

Of course, as a man, receiving those comments makes me a comical exception to the norm—she once told me I was the “gayest straight man” she'd ever known (and that, I took as a compliment). But if I were a women, these comments would be unremarkably ordinary—which, I think, would have made {female}me even more irritated: I, man-Josh, can walk away from a relationship when I begin feeling insecure, infantilized, disrespected. But a woman can't walk away from that in a general culture … so yeah, if you're thinking of using these phrases—whether on a woman, a man, or a kid—ask yourself first: “Is this going to improve the relationship?”

Things women hear in a lifetime—Said to me:

You need to wax your eyebrows.

(Really more of a request: “Can I please wax your eyebrows again?” She also once Kamikaze-waxed my nipple—I don't recommend it.)

Why are you getting so emotional?

(My response: “I'm not. But if I were, that condescending sentence would not help me regain my calmness.”)

Stop being so dramatic.

(My response: to recap what had just happened, and counter-assess, “That's not being dramatic. That's talking things out.” or “I'm not being melodramatic; you shin-kicked me with a figure-skate, so I walked back to safer side of the room.”)

You would be really pretty if you just made an effort.

(Slightly adjusted: “You could look really handsome, if you had some fashion sense.”)

Haven't been / Probably won't ever be said to me:

* PAST *

Your dad will have to chase the boys away when you're older.

(I was danced-up-on by a 40-year old at an academic convention in San Francisco once … he wasn't even part of the convention. I guess I give off a vibe.)

He picks on you because he likes you.

(No: I was picked on because because I was overweight, pale, wore a felted explorer's hat, and had a haircut that looked like my dad had done it—because he had. And he was a city planner, NOT a barber.)

Don't wear that to school, you're going to distract the boys.

(No: more like my mom saying, “Why do you feel the need to draw attention to yourself?”)

Don't be a slut.

(That was the opposite of my problem.)

No guy wants to have sex with a virgin.

(That was a lot closer to my problem.)

It must be that time of the month.

(My dad would say that, but always in reference to the library book sale.)

Nice rack.

(I made a rack once in shop class—but it was NOT very good. It also wasn't hanging off my chest.)

 * PRESENT *

You don't wanna go out with me? You're ugly anyway.

(Two girls have ever asked me out. I said “Yes” to one. The other had given me a bouquet of dead white mice on a wire tree in a vase. Honestly, it was pretty sweet, given circumstances—I left a message.)

You like football?

(No: I get, “You don't watch any sports?” But I can get out with, “I'd rather be playing than watching.”)

Your drive is kind of intimidating.

(I get “Your eye contact is kind of intense.” That's different, though—I probably should work on that.)

Always a bridesmaid, never a bride.

(Never been part of a wedding party—but I'm 32, so who knows. Maybe I'll get an “Always a groomsman...”)

Your biological clock is ticking.

(I hear, “Make sure you warm up; you don't want to pull something.” But that's not said as I'm heading out trying to make babies.)

* FUTURE *

You're not taking your husband's last name?

(Who knows? Maybe my wife will have a really amazing last name, like “Blackwood” or “Helstrom.”)

Your husband cooks dinner? You have him really well-trained.

(If you flip this to “Your wife … you have her really well-trained,” that's WAAAY offensive; don't say that one!)

You're dating a younger man? You're such a cougar.

(Mmm—no, I think they'd use the word “creeper,” if I were in that situation. Can't we ALL just be cool animals? Please: “You're dating someone! What a penguin.” )

He traded her in for a younger model.

(If I ever get traded for a younger model, I'll be like, “Pfff. You always rode my brakes too hard, anyway.”)

You should feel grateful you were catcalled.

(I got catcalled once, running shirtless; felt good. Then I overheard a girl say to her friend, “Naw, I wouldn't go for that”; I decided I'd rather get no comments than get that mix.)

Isn't that outfit a little young for you?

(No: I hear, “Don't you have any clothes that fit you? You're not in high school.”)

You still wear makeup? How adorable.

(If I'm 70 and wearing makeup, “Adorable” is probably not the first word people will think of.)

You must have been beautiful when you were younger.

(Dude. That's like saying, “Grandpa, where'd your ass go?” Sure, I'll be able to tell you, “time ate it; it used to be a juicy bubble.” But can't you just tell me you like my kind eyes, in the present?)

Be kind, be patient, be understanding.
Because that's how you make yourself a gift in this world— right?